Does this sound familiar to anyone? Life throws you a potential situation that is scary, or the opposite of what you want, and you immediately get a pit of nervous anxiety in your stomach, and/or feel like crying, BUT the situation hasn’t even happened yet and is still uncertain? Your brain is already walking through all the steps you would have to take, planning out strategies, trying to find a way to make it all work, etc. but it’s still a hypothetical? It’s exhausting, isn’t it?
A few months ago, when my husband and I were juggling around the possibility of me returning to work, I decided to be proactive and apply to several jobs and search nearby day care facilities for each. After all, these things don’t happen overnight and if we decided that I needed to work, I wanted a head start. Now, the thought of leaving my now, almost 10 month old son, is absolutely terrifying. Yes, women do it every single day and most families incorporate some form of day care into their routines. I know these things, and I am not against day care at all, but it doesn’t change the fact that I am scared and sad to leave my son. (I shared about that in a previous post Fears of returning to work…)
Eventually, we agreed that it still wasn’t the best time for me to work. Our son never took a bottle when he was a newborn and he never took a pacifier for that matter either. Since I was home, it was an easy “obstacle” to overcome. He was exclusively breastfed for the first 6 months and since then, we have began to incorporated solids as well. My goal was to breastfeed for 1 year, which I am certain I will achieve now that we are already at the 10 month mark. With that said, he certainly doesn’t take a bottle now at this stage. In addition, in my search for a day care facility, I found it surprising that with every day care I called and/or visited, there was a waiting list for infants. Being a first time mom, this is something I had no idea even existed. So, again being proactive, I added our son to the waiting list at 5 different facilities. To sum it up, my son doesn’t take a bottle and we don’t have child care. Two major requirements for returning to work before he is 1.
About 2 months later, I got a phone call for an interview. Que the physical and emotional reaction I described above. We had decided it wasn’t the proper timing for me to return to work, but this interview, THIS was an opportunity. My stomach flipped and my brain went into overdrive. My thought process was already trying to figure out how to balance my day, the household, the responsibilities at home, and the care of our son. My husband works rotating 12 hour shifts, so his involvement in the day-to-day tasks, while he is working, is basically non-existent simply because of the hours in which he is working. No fault of his own there. With the thought of me returning to work, I would need to take care of our son, dogs, chickens, ducks, chores, errands, and meals all while balancing being out of the house by 7 am and not returning until after 6 pm, five days a week. Yikes. BUT it would help us out financially.
Isn’t that interesting? We decide things in a practical and logical manner and then BOOM an opportunity comes along that is a complete opposite from your previous decisions and makes everything complicated all over again. How would I even take the job? My son doesn’t take a bottle or, let’s be real, he doesn’t take breast milk from any other source other than the boob, period. Plus, we don’t have child care for him. Yet somehow, that little money gremlin in the back of my mind makes me think, I should still go to the interview and just see what they have to say.
Well, I went to the interview and it did go well. Ultimately, the deciding factor (as if the 2 major factors above weren’t enough) was that the hours didn’t even comply with the hours of the day care facility, even if they did have open availability. It wasn’t meant to be.
This entire process for me has been interesting to recognize. How many other situations in our lives do we over think, over-complicate, and get ourselves worked up for, that aren’t even happening yet or better, can’t even happen at all? How many times does money overtake every other logical conclusion we had about something previously? It’s kind of sad, yet hopeful too. I am obviously willing to do whatever I can to help my family. My husband and I are obviously willing to do whatever is necessary to give our son the best life possible. Yet, sometimes we need to slow down, calm down, and trust the process. It’s not our timing after all. Even in difficult seasons, there is a purpose and an end, it’s just hard to stop that reaction I described above from snowballing once it starts.
So, to all you fellow overreacters, over-thinkers, and over-complicaters, lets take a deep breath and trust that it will all fall into place, God has a plan much greater than we can sometimes see.